Resilience against ED

“I had been grasping for this fake sense of control the eating disorder offered me, where counting how many calories I was taking in and keeping track of my weight every hour of the day meant that I had control over my body.” - Phoebe, Class of 2019

I think there were a bunch of factors that lead to my eating disorder. Environmentally, I was in an unhealthy relationship that I didn't feel safe in, like I didn’t have a lot of control over myself, my decisions, or my body. Biologically, I know that anxiety and panic disorder run in my family. My grandma has alluded to losing a lot of weight at different times in her life, so maybe there’s an eating disorder in her history and we just don’t know about it. Socially, I was one of the few people of color in my high school; there was like one other Asian person and we got mixed up a lot. A lot of my classmates were white, athletic, and kind of thin, and I think I felt different because I didn't fit that picture.

I also didn’t have a great support system at the time. My boyfriend told me which friends he didn’t like, essentially telling me which ones I was allowed to hang out with, so I felt pretty lonely. There were disordered eating habits and body image issues among the friends I did spend time with, which I think impacted my view of food and what I was supposed to do with my body. Meanwhile, my family life was really going downhill because I was constantly in a terrible mood. I think “hanger” is a real thing, and I was quite literally in starvation mode all of the time, so I wasn’t fun to be around. I think my parents forgot who I was for a while because I was very much run by my eating disorder. There’d be glimmers of this joyful, fun person, but most of the time I was just really anxious. I kind of knew it was coming when I was finally diagnosed the summer after graduation, but I felt like I needed to get through high school before I could recover.

I had an appointment with a dietitian who was basically like, ‘You’re severely underweight. We think that this treatment center could be really good for you,’ and there were these two sides fighting inside of me at that. One was like, ‘I worked so hard to get down to where I am,’ by unhealthy means and I acknowledge that, but to me it felt like the ideal - like I had finally succeeded. I probably would've continued to lose weight as long as I could, until I died, or I don’t know what would’ve happened. The other side was like, ‘I really need to get this under control. I’m not happy, and I know this is not a great decision for me to continue perpetuating in my life,’ because in the end it was really affecting my relationships.

I did end up going to a treatment center that summer, where slowly I started taking a real sense of control over my life, healing my relationships, and healing my body. The people around me at that time really understood the eating disorder, a lot of times more than I did. I had been grasping for this fake sense of control the eating disorder offered me, where counting how many calories I was taking in and keeping track of my weight every hour of the day meant that I had control over my body. The center showed me that that wasn’t real control, it was actually letting the eating disorder control me. It was also kind of liberating to be in a place with people that understood, where we could make jokes about our obsessive counting, or the way we used to think about food, and go through it together.

Making the transition to college was challenging. I don’t think people really understood the implications of having an eating disorder. Even though I worked with a dietitian, she couldn’t be with me every hour of the day. I had to go into the dining halls by myself, where at the time they had started putting calories on every food choice, and it was hard trying to ignore the numbers. Even now when I see food, I know how many calories are in it. It’s kind of ingrained, like there’s a part of my brain that automatically thinks these things and wants to count, but it’s started to mean less to me as time has passed.

Currently, I’m going to therapy once a week and to a dietitian every other week to keep myself on track because eating disorders have such high relapse rates. I’m taking medication for my anxiety and panic disorder, and I’ve also been challenging myself a lot. There was a time when I was so scared of eating anything but vegetables, and now I eat ice cream like every other night. I put myself in uncomfortable situations sometimes, like talking in front of people or leading a club, and it’s terrifying, but I try to keep it healthy. I think it’s important not to push my limits but test the boundaries a little bit. I’m also motivated to make changes in our campus culture and policy around how mental health is talked about because ultimately all that impacts my mental health. I know that how others talk about how they treat themselves affects how I look at the way I am acting, so I think sharing my story and encouraging my friends to make wellness a part of their life is a way I can also take care of myself.

My advice - if you think that you have an unhealthy relationship with food, whether or not you think you have an eating disorder, you will be so much happier if you find support for it. Sometimes that means gaining weight, and that’s okay because you are more than your weight. That’s something that was really challenging for me to learn, but it was so necessary for me to succeed in my recovery.